A happy relationship involves making plans and having hopes for the future. Family breakdown or separation can often mean such hopes and expectations change, and are replaced by fear and uncertainty. Many decisions will have to be made which will determine your future. Where there are children, decisions made now may affect how the children adjust to the changes in their lives.

Consider the process of divorce or separation as a journey, with different stages along the way. Navigate this journey successfully and intimate partners can become good friends and even successful work colleagues. Think about what you can do, rather than what your ex-partner should or should not do. Focus on solutions, rather than problems. Communicate constructively. Avoid negative emotion. Remember small steps can lead to positive changes. Acknowledge your emotion. Upon separation, it is normal to feel loss, for emotions to be unpredictable, to feel overwhelmed, and to need time to adjust.

Sadly children often believe they are responsible for the break up and that it is their fault that the family is splitting up. Children need to be informed by both parents that this and that it is normal to feel angry or sad. Reassure them they will be kept informed regarding what is happening, and that they can talk and ask questions and they will be listened to, and that, as parents, you understand how they feel and love them. Teach your children there are positive ways to deal with conflict by example, and never denigrate one another before your children.

Divorce or separation is personal and everyone will experience it differently. You may feel a sense of relief that your relationship has come to an end, or feel a failure because you were powerless to stop it from ending. You may have both decided that a divorce is the right way forward, or one of you may feel more sure about breaking up than the other. You may feel guilt, or a sense or rejection or abandonment.

Work closely with your legal adviser, and understand you do have options and control. Utilise your support network, and remember that, although divorce and family separation is a painful process for parents and children, things do improve with time. Focus on the changes you can make, rather than hoping for changes from your ex partner. Have a clear destination in mind, be prepared to have diversions along the way and there will be a happy conclusion and you will reach your destination.

To find out more about divorce and any other family legal matter, call Jane Cowley on 0116 247 3596 or email: jane.cowley@howespercival.com.